


Lilac Sky

by prkchnyl (aphasicdreams)



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Unrequited Love, maybe i am the jerk, nobody's a jerk, some medical shit but not complicated
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-31
Updated: 2019-05-31
Packaged: 2020-03-31 00:35:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19038766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aphasicdreams/pseuds/prkchnyl
Summary: Just because you think of them when you are cold, It doesn’t necessarily mean they are warm.





	Lilac Sky

**Author's Note:**

> He was indispensable, that guy. He wasn’t my Yin nor was I his Yang. We were just two people. Different and the same. However, time moved, so did I. The indispensable one wasn’t him. It was I.  
> -JFF

Rain pattered slowly the moment Jongin stepped a foot out of the lift, steady pitter patter heard against the glass walls of the hospital lobby. The weather has been insufferable the past few days and it did nothing but dampen Jongin’s already low spirits. The only thing he can think of that came along with the wet weather is the significant decline in the patient’s census. Jongin passed by the Emergency Room before he went back to the dorms and it actually looked like an Emergency Room now instead of its usual appearance as a battlefield. He even managed to catch a few hours of uninterrupted sleep before he was beeped.

Jongin brushed back his still dripping hair, having showered when his 36-hour duty ended. The last time Jongin went to their monthly gathering straight from duty, Jongdae threw a huge ruckus about him smelling like death and other bodily fluids though in Jongin’s defense, the first thing he did was to ask Minseok if he can use the shower. In his hospital duties, Jongin’s assigned to two wards, and sometimes three, with about sixty different patients, different cases, different diseases and though he looks pristine on the outside with his white coat and slicked back hair, he can’t risk the amount of germs, bacteria, or microorganisms that chose to stick to his skin and clothes. Being a medical resident in a huge hospital sucks big time but Jongin loves it (sometimes).

Hefting his heavy bag in one shoulder, Jongin heads to the concierge to book a cab. After the third time Jongin almost fell asleep while driving back home, he never bothered to drive to the hospital knowing the hours spent on his feet. Halting even before he reached the counter, Jongin fished his phone from his back pocket once it started ringing to see Chanyeol’s name flashing on the screen.

The number of calls Chanyeol and Jongin has exchanged are scarce that Jongin barely remembered when the last was. Too sleepy to think more about the matter, Jongin swiped the screen to finally silence the noisy device. “Hello, hyung?” He mumbled.

“Jongin!” Chanyeol exclaimed from the other line.”Are you done with work? Kyungsoo said you get off at 5. I’ll be on the lobby in five minutes.” Chanyeol continued and Jongin took a little while to catch up.

“What? Why?” Skidding to a stop in the middle of the almost empty lobby, Jongin pulled his phone back to check if it was really Chanyeol he’s talking to, and indeed it was. Chanyeol has never fetched Jongin from work or from anywhere, really. It was usually Kyungsoo or Baekhyun, but never Chanyeol. Nor did he have any reason to and it makes Jongin’s sleepy mind hurt.

Chanyeol’s barking laugh was heard through the phone so Jongin promptly placed it back to his ear. “Joonmyun hyung called me.” It was enough reason really, Joonmyun hyung, but Chanyeol went on. “Kyungsoo’s going to be late and Baekhyun was with him since the morning so he thought no one would drive you to his place and you’re coming straight from work and Joonmyun hyung’s worried that you’d fall asleep again while driving so here I am! By the way, I’m just about to enter the hospital’s premises, wait for me in front of the lobby, okay?” Jongin barely caught the words halfway Chanyeol’s rant but he gave his assent before hanging up.

Seeing Chanyeol’s red Hyundai enter the pick-up lane, Jongin forced his legs to cross the few distance left to the exit, bowing to the nurses sitting by the lobby’s couch who waved at him. Chanyeol opened the passenger seat’s door from his perch on the drivers’ to help Jongin with his bag in which he carefully placed on the backseat with a huff.

Jongin leaned back to the comfortable seat, securing his seatbelt as Chanyeol eased into the driveway. “You didn’t have to” Jongin mumbled, eyeing the radio in front of him.

Chanyeol reached to flick on the radio like he’s read Jongin’s thoughts, lowering the volume so the music’s nothing but a background even to Jongin’s soft mumbles. “You’re welcome?” Chanyeol said instead, one side of his lips quirked up in a half smile as he focused on the road. “You know it’s not out of the way, and I don’t mind.” Chanyeol shrugged, humming with the radio when Jongin nodded.

Silence is their usual companion whenever the two were left alone together, so when Jongin leaned his head on the window, Chanyeol settled with humming to his playlist for the whole drive. It just felt like they have nothing in common to talk about, but they do talk, more often than not though they end up with the companionable silence. Jongin thinks that he’s got the ability to cut short any conversation that even the ever so noisy Park Chanyeol shuts up in his presence.

Jongin is friends with Kyungsoo and Sehun since they were just kids, always, the three of them. Until Kyungsoo introduced his boyfriend, Joonmyun to them who was with his friends Yixing and Chanyeol at that time. Baekhyun and Yixing clicked like they’ve always known each other, leading their group to find someplace to eat while chattering animatedly. Jongin left Kyungsoo to walk hand in hand with Joonmyun after exchanging pleasantries, and chose to walk behind the couple. Jongin jumped when someone fell into step beside him and then he remembered Joonmyun’s other friend, Chanyeol. It was awkward, they didn’t get along easily like how Sehun and Yixing did, but Chanyeol did exert an effort for small talk but Jongin replied in curt, one word answers that probably fielded off any more questions the other might have.

Jongin don’t take too well to strangers, and being friends with one of his best friends doesn’t make them friends with Jongin automatically. Baekhyun used to tell their group of friends that Jongin is a personification of a cat, always running away when you come off too strong. The best way to deal with kitty Jongin is to just let him be for a while and wait for the time when he comes to you himself asking for a hug. _Always so distrustful, this Jonginnie.. until you give him chicken._

The problem is Chanyeol must be the personification of a puppy. Always so energetic, always so happy, always so eager to please, and despite Baekhyun’s warnings he’s always came on to Jongin like an impatient puppy with his tail high up in the air wagging freely and it did nothing but scare Jongin off.

If people asked, they’re friends. They belong in a single group of friends that grew over time. Jongin’s best friend’s boyfriend is Chanyeol’s best friend and that makes them friends. Chanyeol knew when Jongin’s birthday is and Jongin’s the same, where they live, their preferred food, and their jobs. But Jongin doesn’t know that Chanyeol preferred vodka to soju and Chanyeol doesn’t know that Jongin’s allergic to beer. Chanyeol doesn’t know what Jongin planned to take for his specialization after his 3rd year in residency and Jongin doesn’t know the title of Chanyeol’s latest edited book.

They arrived at Joonmyun’s apartment after a fifteen minute drive, everyone save for Kyungsoo’s already there scattered all over the place. Jongin automatically flopped on the couch Baekhyun’s claimed for himself, and Chanyeol went straight to the kitchen where Minseok and Joonmyun were stationed as they gather enough food for everyone.

Jongin felt rather than saw (probably) Chanyeol’s eyes still on him even when he clearly went to the kitchen. When Jongin peaked from under his lashes, he caught a glimpse of both Joonmyun and Minseok’s smiles directed at him. Jongin doesn’t have any more energy to deal with his conniving hyungs probably now basking in their victory to push Chanyeol and Jongin together. Sometimes, Jongin wished they would stop doing it. Letting it go for now, Jongin lets the exhaustion in his bones pull him to sleep.

“How’s my Jonginnie?” Baekhyun whispered in his ear where he’s currently squished by Jongin’s weight on the couch. Jongin’s only answer is a hum then he burrowed closer to Baekhyun’s shoulder looking for a more comfortable position. Baekhyun just shook his head with a fond smile muttering Kitty under his breath. He’s so glad Minseok doesn’t seem to have even an ounce of jealousy in his body with the way Jongin seemed to melt into him as he fell deeper into slumber.

Their hyungs have always pushed Jongin and Chanyeol towards each other, them being the only single ones in their huge group. Everyone’s already paired up with another and it’s amazing how they managed to find their soul mates in the tight knit of their group. Thus, Joonmyun and secretly the others too, believed that it’s only a matter of time before Jongin and Chanyeol get together. It’s not like they can date Jongdae with him and his proclaimed love for anything female. Chanyeol even once got an “I’m sorry but you’re missing the vital parts”.

With everyone in their group of friends paired up, all of them expect Chanyeol and Jongin to eventually end up together. And there came a time when Jongin thinks Chanyeol almost believed them too.



“Going home Dr. Kim?” One of the nurses in the station smiled kindly when he passed by. It’s quarter past seven in the evening and Jongin’s just so ready to go home and drop dead on his own bed but these nurses are just about to start their duties for the night so Jongin smiled back with a wave.

“Dr. Kim!” Mrs. Seo from the reception desk hollered the moment he stepped a foot outside the lift and Jongin’s just so tired he might just sleep on the cold marble floor especially now that everyone he knew decided to chat him up a little before letting him go, and Kim Jongin was a fucking medical resident and just happened to know almost every staff in the damn hospital. Biting his lower lip to prevent himself from grumbling, Jongin dragged his heavy feet to the reception. “You look dead on your feet, young doctor. Anyway, I just want to tell you that your handsome boyfriend has been waiting for you for about 2 hours now?” She gestured a hand towards the couches near the lounge area. “Now, move along.”

Moving towards the couches, Jongin stopped halfway to tell the lady something he forgot. “I don’t have a boyfriend though.” Jongin said to be heard clearly but the old lady just gestured that he move ahead.

Jongin’s really tempted to just pretend that he’s deaf and ignore just everything but the sight of Chanyeol dozing on the couch in the hospital lounge almost wake Jongin up. He knew something was up when Chanyeol texted him earlier.

 **Chanyeol-hyung:**  
Jongin, it’s ur last day at work right??

 **Jonginnie:**  
Yeah hyung, why?

 **Chanyeol-hyung:**  
Nuthin, you get off at 5?

It indeed is Jongin’s last day as a 3rd year medical resident at the hospital, the younger residents threw a small goodbye/congratulatory party for the 3rd years and that was when he received Chanyeol’s message. Jongin realized with a jolt that he wasn’t able to reply earlier because when he was about to, the hospital wide intercom buzzed, the operator’s almost robotic voice announcing a code blue on the 5th floor. So much for a chill last day duty. Rummaging his bag for his phone, Jongin let out a groan when he saw that it was dead.

“Jonginnie?” Chanyeol’s voice almost made him jump, his already deep voice now raspy and heavy with sleep. Jongin gave him an apologetic smile. “You done?” Chanyeol asked, stretching his arms up.

“Hyuuung,” It was hard to hide the whine in Jongin’s voice and Chanyeol stared at him. “Why are you here?” he wanted to ask but it would seem so rude especially since Chanyeol apparently waited for 2 fucking hours for Jongin. “You should have just left me when I didn’t show up after an hour. You didn’t have to wait for me.”

Chanyeol huffed a laugh before slinging an arm around Jongin’s shoulders to steer him towards the parking lot. “I want to. And what would Joonmyun hyung say if I just left you when I volunteered to drive you home?” Jongin’s bone-deep tired but Chanyeol’s arm around his shoulders barely weigh him down, if anything, it was a warm comfort making Jongin want to lean back and fall into Chanyeol’s arms, so Jongin did just that, barely, but he relaxed in Chanyeol’s hold letting the older guide his way. Jongin doesn’t remember Chanyeol promising him anything that day but Jongin blamed it all on his traitor of a phone. 

When Jongin opened the door to the passenger’s seat of Chanyeol’s car, he was surprised to see a bag of takeout from the Chinese restaurant they frequent with their friends. “Figured you’d be famished after your duty.” Chanyeol smiled sheepishly moving the bag of takeouts to the back seat along with Jongin’s bag.

Jongin just nodded, needing time to gather his thoughts after noting that they’re heading to his apartment. After a while though he turned to face Chanyeol giving him his full attention when they stopped for the red light. “Hyung, why are you doing this?” Jongin asked softly, hoping the question didn’t sound too rude. “I just.. if it’s Joonmyun hyung, I hope you know that you can say no to him, okay? You don’t have to spend time with me or do things for me just because Joonmyun hyung thinks I need it.” Jongin heaved a sigh, “But thank you hyung, really.”

It took Chanyeol a while before he graced Jongin a reply and Jongin was worried that he finally offended Chanyeol. “Jonginnie.” The endearment surprised Jongin and he’s just thankful that Chanyeol’s gaze is on the road. “If I really just follow Joonmyun hyung’s suggestion I’d be courting you right now, or asking you stupid questions like do you want to go out on a date with me or something, because that’s what Joonmyun hyung and Minseok hyung have been telling me to do for ages now.”

If Jongin was surprised before, he’s definitely baffled now mostly when Chanyeol glanced his way for a few seconds to send him a wry smile. Seeing that his companion has been stunned to silence, Chanyeol continued with a soft laugh. “Baekhyunnie may have mentioned something about you being lonely nowadays though.” They enter the parking lot of Jongin’s building and he almost expected Chanyeol to drop him off by the entrance but Chanyeol never ceased to surprise him when he parked on an empty spot. Turning off the engine, Chanyeol finally faced Jongin. “Just know Jonginnie that I won’t be doing anything asked of me if I really didn’t want to.”

It hit Jongin home and all the fight in him melted when Chanyeol ruffled his hair. The walk to Jongin’s apartment is quiet, Chanyeol contented in carrying Jongin’s bag and the takeout bag when he insisted. Jongin’s face was just blank, repeating Chanyeol’s words in his head.

When they entered the apartment, it’s when Jongin realized that it’s Chanyeol’s first time in his apartment, with the look of pure curiosity in his roaming eyes. “Make yourself at home hyung, I just really need to shower. I feel really dirty right now.” Jongin told him with an apologetic smile, wrinkling his nose. His apartment’s mostly clean since he stays at the hospital more than he stays home and one of his sisters always see to it that his fridge has food and his apartment’s clean for when he does go home.

“It’s fine,” Chanyeol waves him off. “Mind if I use the microwave? I’ll heat the food so it’ll be ready for when you get out of the shower.”

Jongin shook his head pointing to the general direction of the kitchen and mumbled that he’ll be back quickly before disappearing to his room.

When Jongin finally emerged from his room, he’s freshly showered, hair flopped down over his forehead dressed in an oversized hoodie and track pants. Chanyeol has the food set up on the coffee table while he’s focused on the drama showing on the television.

They ate in companionable silence, Chanyeol letting out a variety of interesting sounds while watching the drama. With his stomach finally full and satisfied, Jongin felt so comfortable sitting on the floor while drinking his soda. Chanyeol’s still wolfing on his meal, only facing his food once the drama ended.

“I’m so full!” Jongin stretched tired arms over his head, leaning on the couch, their plates now empty. “Thank you so much for these hyung.” He gestured to the table, and really, just everything.

“No problem.” Chanyeol smiled. “I haven’t had a dinner this comfortable in a long time.”

Jongin stared at him, all his walls crumbled down now that he’s fed and he’s comfortable. Kitty. Baekhyun’s voice whispers in his ear and he ignores it. “Were you lonely too, Chanyeol hyung?”

Chanyeol was honestly taken aback by Jongin’s question, like he was caught red handed with his hand in the cookie jar, but he smiled at Jongin pleasantly after a beat. “Yeah, maybe?” He winked at the other and that had Jongin laughing unreservedly.

“I’m not the most fun or exciting company though, if you’d still take that.” Jongin’s eyes were teasing, his lips pulled up into a smirk.

“I’m lots of fun though!” Chanyeol retorted, “I’m sure we can manage.” This time, he sends Jongin an exaggerated wink that made the other double over in laughter.

When the laughter died down, they’re still seated opposite each other, Jongin’s thigh pressed hotly on Chanyeol’s leg and though they didn’t move an inch from when they first sat, Jongin thought that now they’ve become way closer than before.

“I just want us to be friends.” Chanyeol whispered, a pleading expression on his face, almost pouting. Puppy. Jongin thinks before he laughed.

“Aren’t we already?” Jongin nudged Chanyeol’s leg under the table and Chanyeol’s deep laughter mixed with his. They talked and laughed until Jongin can barely keep his eyes open, head lulling forward so Chanyeol ushered him to his room. Jongin didn’t walk Chanyeol to the door but Chanyeol did tuck Jongin on his bed and did his dishes before quietly creeping out of the apartment when Jongin’s finally asleep.



The thing is, it’s easy to lose oneself at work, Jongin thought. Starting from day one, they were thought that a single mistake may cost an innocent life that they’re not allowed to make even a tiny mistake. So Jongin studied hard, worked even harder.

Friday nights has always been their night, Jongin, Sehun, Kyungsoo. Until Kyungsoo met Joonmyun. Sometimes Kyungsoo bailed out on them and it became somewhat a date with Sehun. They had fun badmouthing Kyungsoo and ate lots of unhealthy food. Then Sehun met Yixing, their weekly dates became monthly gatherings and still it was enough for Jongin. Joonmyun and Yixing are awesome people and though he’s usually the fifth wheel Jongin didn’t mind much, usually there’s Chanyeol too, sixth wheeling somewhere.

But slowly, people sauntered in. Kyungsoo invited Jongdae once in one of their gatherings, then Jongdae brought Baekhyun on the next along with his boyfriend, Minseok, who turned out to be Joonmyun’s best friend. It was disorienting, Jongin thought, his childhood friends mixing with his college friends and their boyfriends. Jongin kept his whole life compartmentalized, meeting with Sehun and Kyungsoo on Fridays, visiting Baekhyun and Jongdae on his free days. Now it’s all jumbled up, Jongin stopped asking when Kyungsoo or sometimes Baekhyun fetched him from work for the nth time driving him to one of the houses where they apparently agreed to hang out. Jongin doesn’t even remember how many times even Joonmyun fetched him from work, he didn’t mind much, Jongin likes Joonmyun.

It’s not hard to get close to the new people, new friends, especially since they all seemed like too eager to befriend their boyfriends’ best friend, but more than that, Yixing easily fell into step with them in one of their dance sessions. It also didn’t help that Minseok likes to spoil him rotten and makes the best coffee Jongin has ever tasted.

But Jongin’s frown deepened when Chanyeol started sending him random messages in random days, then after the random messages, Chanyeol started showing up at the hospital to drive Jongin into one of their meeting places. Unlike the others, Chanyeol doesn’t have any reason to befriend Jongin aside from their common friends.

So Jongin held back a sigh when Joonmyun cornered him in the foyer one time they went together for their monthly meetings. “So, Jonginnie.” He began, waiting until he had Jongin’s full attention before continuing. “What do you think about Chanyeol?” Jongin stared, frowned, and shrugged before patting Joonmyun’s arm and leaving it at that. Joonmyun let him be for the rest of that night but it didn’t mean he stopped asking Jongin the same question every time they see each other.

“So, Jonginnie.” Joonmyun began as a greeting when he opened the door to let him in. Jongin can already hear Baekhyun’s laughter from inside and he suppressed a groan lest the others pick up on his hyung’s interrogation. “What do you think of Chanyeollie?” Joonmyun continued despite Jongin’s discomfort, but the feeling melted slowly when an arm snaked around his shoulders, firm and light and warm and so comfortable.

“Jonginnie thinks I’m amazing!” Chanyeol all but announces to the whole apartment complex instead of just Joonmyun, then Jongin’s being hauled into the lion’s den-slash-the living room so he failed to see Joonmyun’s stunned expression turning into a soft smile.

With the residency done and just his exams on the way, all that’s left is for Jongin to do is review, which was nothing new because that’s all he’s been doing majority of his life anyway. So it’s not a surprise when he actually enjoyed the company of his friends this time, laughing unreservedly, bantering with Jongdae and Sehun then running to Minseok for comfort when they tag team on him.

When it was time for the movie, Jongin settled on the floor instead of squeezing onto the couch beside Baekhyun to cuddle, but he moved so that his head is leaning comfortably on Baekhyun’s thigh. “You look happy.” Baekhyun said softly while the others were busy fighting over what movie to watch. “And well rested.” Baekhyun’s fingers found their way to Jongin’s hair, the familiar comfort.

“I slept for two straight days after my last day at work, hyung.” Jongin replied laughingly, wrapping an arm around one of Baekhyun’s legs. “I surely needed that sleep.”

There was a slight tug on his hair and Jongin turned to see Baekhyun’s teasing eyes. “You can sleep for 28 hours a day and one day only has 24.” Baekhyun tugged on his hair again Jongin’s reply was to playfully bite his hyung’s leg.

“Yah, Jonginnie! Stop stealing Minseok’s boyfriend! You can’t get away with that just because Minseok hyung finds you cute.” Jongdae said and pulled Baekhyun’s leg away from him as he settled on the floor beside Jongin.

Jongin crossed his arms on his chest pouting up at Baekhyun looking like the 3- year old child that he actually is when he heard a low chuckled from his other side. Jongin turned his pout to Chanyeol who’s now sitting on his other side. Familiar arms wrap around his shoulders and he’s being pulled to a warm embrace.

“C’mere Jonginnie, I won’t let big bad Jongdae bully you.” Chanyeol said, looking a lot like a 5 year-old in his full glory with his exaggerated frown.

“Kids, play nice.” Joonmyun mumbled, setting the dvd on the player before finding his seat beside Kyungsoo in one of the smaller couches after turning the lights off.

Jongin wrestled one of the chips away from Sehun, and settled comfortably on the floor, his back leaning on Chanyeol’s broad chest. Jongin can feel a hot breath tickling the back of his neck but he’s too comfortable to move, too engrossed in the movie. Then Chanyeol’s chin is digging on his shoulder, the side of his forehead leaning on Jongin’s cheek. “I think I might fall asleep.” Chanyeol whispered.

Unlike Jongin who woke up at noon without the weight of other people’s lives in his shoulders, Chanyeol came straight from work. After the last time they bonded in Jongin’s apartment, Chanyeol’s random messages became frequent and this time Jongin actually made an effort to reply no matter how absurd Chanyeol’s messages may be (if he’s not sleeping that is).

Chanyeol mentioned something about final revisions and that everyone in their department looked like they haven’t slept for a week. So Jongin brought up a hand to pat what he can reach on Chanyeol’s face, which happened to be his jaw, and whispered, “Just don’t drool on me.”

Jongin felt Chanyeol’s arms retreating from around his shoulders and Jongin tensed when it settled around his waist, Chanyeol oblivious to his reactions because a few seconds later, Jongin felt his breathing even out. Jongin forced himself to relax, it’s just Chanyeol. He and Baekhyun cuddle all the time, for fuck’s sake.

It’s one of those rare days when people mutually decided to stay the night, more because of the stormy weather than actually considering a slumber party. The weather has been relentless the past few days. The first time they had something relatively close to a slumber party, Jongdae was so close to castrating half their friends for being too touchy. Jongin couldn’t blame those couples but it had been a really awkward night for him, Chanyeol and Jongdae.

Joonmyun doesn’t have an extra room enough to fit them all but he has an abundant amount of mattresses and sleeping bags from the last sleepover and the living room is huge enough. They moved the furniture to utilize the space.

While Joonmyun and Yixing are busy setting up the living room, Jongin decided to join Baekhyun and Minseok in the kitchen. Jongin smiled at Minseok when the older placed a mug of hot chocolate in front of him. “Thanks hyung.”

“So, Jonginnie.” It was Baekhyun this time, moving from the counter to sit on the chair beside him, a mischievous glint on his smile. “You and Chanyeollie huh? My baby’s such a big boy now.”

“Hyung, stop embarrassing me. We’re just friends.” Jongin hid his reddened cheeks behind his mug. Minseok’s knowing smile from where he’s seated across him doesn’t help either.

Baekhyun nudged his hip and Jongin sent him a scowl. “I know. I didn’t say anything about you guys dating. Took you long enough though. Chanyeollie’s a great guy.” With a pat to the head, Baekhyun left the kitchen to haggle for the pillows.

“He’s good for you, Jongin-ah.” Minseok said softly. And Jongin thought he was safe when Baekhyun decided to let him be.

“Apparently, I was lonely.” Jongin told his hyung with a wry smile. Sometimes, Jongin thought that Baekhyun worries too much about him and takes his Jonginnie’s mom duties extraordinarily well.

Minseok regarded him with a smile. “You know, it didn’t even cross my mind before that you were feeling lonely even with all of these rowdy people surrounding you.” Minseok nods to the ruckus currently happening in the living room where Chanyeol, Baekhyun and Jongdae were playing games to hoard for more pillows. “But now I can see how comfortable and happy you are. If Baekhyunnie didn’t point it out I wouldn’t even have noticed. He’s good for you.” Minseok repeated.

Jongin didn’t even realize it himself. He just thought that his good mood was due to the less stress from work weighing him down, but now thinking about it, Chanyeol definitely is a big part of it. Chanyeol who’s now sprawled on the floor screaming for mercy from Baekhyun and Jongdae who decided to team up and tickle him senseless. “I think I need better friends though, hyung.” Jongin said eyeing the pile of limbs in the living room and Minseok’s answering laughter is enough to fuel his own.



It has been 2 weeks since Jongin holed himself up in his apartment to study for his incoming exams and Jongin targets that spot in the Cardiology department in the hospital. It was easy, getting lost in his books and tuning everything out. Kyungsoo visited him came the first week of his exile to fill his fridge with side dishes and easy to cook food. Baekhyun called at least twice a week and made him promise to shower every day, eat three meals a day, and to call him if Jongin needed anything in which Jongin replied with _yes, mum_ to Baekhyun’s delight. There’s Chanyeol’s messages too, asking him if he’s had his meal, random messages about a cute puppy he saw on the way home. Jongin got used to waking up with Chanyeol’s _Goodmornin Jonginnie!_ And expecting a _Sweet dreams, Jonginnie!_ before he sleeps.

So when Jongin woke up came the 3rd week of his self review without a Good morning message from Chanyeol, Jongin kind of felt uneasy but let it go, and instead sent Chanyeol his own good morning first.

Jongin lost himself in his books once more, it’s the last four days before his exams and he decided that today will be his last day with his books. He needed to relax the last few days before his exams or he’d go nuts with all the information he’s trying to fit in his head. But when his phone beeped at noon with Baekhyun’s message reminding him to eat lunch, Jongin’s frown deepened because Chanyeol still hasn’t replied or sent him random messages from his day.

Closing his books for the mean time, Jongin was about to give Chanyeol a call when the doorbell rang once followed by a series of knocks on the door. Jongin wasn’t expecting for any visitor but his friends have always been random and it could be any one of them. And turns out it was Chanyeol looking like death wormed over him with a bag of takeouts.

“Hyung?” Jongin hesitated in the foyer before opening the door widely to let Chanyeol in. “You look like..” He trailed off and Chanyeol laughed tiredly.

“Like shit, I know.” Chanyeol’s voice was hoarse. Jongin frowned at Chanyeol’s appearance. It was the first time Jongin’s seen Chanyeol in a less than proper look, not even when they slept over at Joonmyun’s apartment. Chanyeol places the bag of takeouts on the coffee table and drops heavily on the couch.

“Are you okay?” Jongin sat beside him gingerly, one hand brushing Chanyeol’s hair away from his face to settle on his forehead. No fever, good. “When was the last time you slept? Or ate?” Jongin asked going to the kitchen to get plates and chopsticks for the meal Chanyeol brought.

Chanyeol had his eyes closed, an arm over his eyes. Jongin almost thought he already fell asleep. “I haven’t slept in like three days. And I actually had breakfast… yesterday.” Chanyeol opened one eye to send Jongin a sheepish smile.

“God, look at you telling me to eat and rest but I can see you’ve been ignoring your own instructions.” Jongin frowned while fixing Chanyeol a meal. It’s chicken, Jongin’s favorite, but Chanyeol hasn’t eaten in more than a day so he trudged to the kitchen to heat the soup Kyungsoo’s brought him from the fridge.

When Jongin emerged from the kitchen, Chanyeol really did fell asleep, his jaw slack and neck bent in a seemingly uncomfortable position. He placed the bowl of soup on the table and sat gently beside Chanyeol. He must be so tired and Jongin almost didn’t want to wake him up but he needed to eat. Placing a hand on Chanyeol’s shoulders, Jongin tapped him gently. “Hyung, you need to eat.”

Chanyeol ate almost automatically, eyes half lidded while slowly devouring Kyungsoo’s soup and eating a few pieces of chicken. Then Jongin’s shoving him to the shower with a set of clothes and an extra toothbrush. “I don’t think I can stand long enough for a shower anymore Jonginnie.” Chanyeol mumbled, letting Jongin manhandle him.

“Then don’t. Just change your clothes okay? You’ll be more comfortable that way.” Jongin waited for Chanyeol just outside the door and when the door finally opened, Chanyeol wearing Jongin’s oversized shirt and pants.

The shower was in Jongin’s room so Chanyeol was about to go back to the living room, ready to crash on the couch but he was pulled by Jongin to the comfortable looking bed in the middle of the room. “Jonginnie, I can crash on the couch.” Chanyeol tried to refuse but Jongin was insistent and the bed looked too comfortable to resist so when he was pushed to the soft mattress, Chanyeol all but melted into the sheets. “And I haven’t showered yet?” Chanyeol mumbled softly already halfway to sleep but he smiled when he heard Jongin’s laughter.

“I was aware of that hyung. Now, go to sleep.” Jongin combed Chanyeol’s hair away from his face, smiling gently when his hyung started to snore.

With Chanyeol sleeping soundly in his room, Jongin was able to wrap up his review comes night time. Jongin finished his share of the chicken Chanyeol brought for his dinner and kept the other half in the fridge for when his hyung wakes up but it looked like Chanyeol will be out the whole night too so Jongin set up a makeshift bed on his couch and settled down comfortably.

Browsing the T.V. channels and looking for something of interest, Jongin has his living room’s lights turned off, settling comfortably on his makeshift nest and almost screamed when someone cleared their throat from behind him. Jongin whipped his head so fast he felt his neck protesting to see Chanyeol sleepily standing by the door of his bedroom.

“Sorry,” Chanyeol mumbled after clearing his throat when his voice gave. “I had to use the toilet, my bladder is killing me. Then I kinda saw you nesting on the couch. Please don’t make me feel bad about taking your bed from you. Let me sleep on that comfortable looking couch, okay?”

Chanyeol was halfway to the couch when Jongin jumped, “No!” smiling sheepishly when Chanyeol winced at the volume of his voice.”You need the rest hyung, and I’ve had more than enough sleep. Please just go back in there and sleep. I’ve slept on cold chairs upright, and even cold floors so the couch is really comfortable for me.”

“Jongin,” Chanyeol sighed, already shaking his head halfway Jongin’s speech. “I can.. I can go home?” It seemed absurd to even come from Chanyeol because he can barely keep his eyes open at that moment.

“Don’t be stupid.” Jongin mumbled, steeling his thoughts and flicking off the T.V. before ushering Chanyeol back to the bedroom. “Just sleep, okay? Will you shut your mind off for a while?”

Chanyeol let out a soft whine but he let Jongin manhandle him as he fell face first on the soft mattress. “I’m not kicking you out of your bed though.” Jongin’s blanket felt really smooth and much like heaven just about now.

“You won’t, okay? So scoot over.” Jongin poked his thigh and Chanyeol rolled closer to the wall. “The bed’s big enough. I hope you don’t snore though.” Jongin mumbled, hiding his reddening cheeks from the other, already halfway to dreamland.

“I won’t make any promises.” Was Chanyeol’s sleepy answer. Jongin felt warm arms draping over his torso as Chanyeol wiggled to make himself comfortable. “If I do though, I’ll make it up to you.”

Ignoring the tightening in his chest, Jongin huffed out a laugh, too aware of the warm arm around his chest. “How?” Jongin asked softly.

“Tomorrow. For now though, Sleep.” Chanyeol murmured sleepily. “Now, sleep.” Then with a soft squeeze around his middle, Chanyeol promptly fell asleep.

Jongin was the opposite case though, too aware of the arm around him and the warm presence pressed to his left. It has been a long time since Jongin fell asleep next to someone so warm, and it has been really long since his heart beat wildly. Ever since Soojung, Jongin didn’t feel like addressing his heart’s constant nudge to remind him of what was missing. It has got nothing to do with relationship traumas, bad breakups or crazy exes. His previous breakup was even a mutual one.

Jongin met Soojung at med school. They were classmates, teammates even. There was just the difficult part of being future doctors that equated to being socially isolated, more intimate with their books and notes than other people. And being with the same set of classmates, of people every day, it wasn’t so hard to fall in love with each other. Soojung just got Jongin, his moods his actions, and though they were busy, at least they were busy together. Until they weren’t anymore. They graduated, got accepted to intern at different hospitals, mingled with other people, and lost time for each other. So when Soojung called Jongin one night after his shift, he couldn’t say he wasn’t prepared for what was about to come. “I think we should end this.” Soojung told him softly but without an ounce of hesitancy. And Jongin just nodded, opting to stay silent than make things awkward by saying something stupid like the last three years has been awesome or something along the line. When Jongin kissed Soojung one last goodbye, it lacked the magical tingling feeling it used to have, and though Jongin’s heart felt heavy for the loss, it felt free.

Now though, Jongin’s heart felt restless, beating wildly inside his ribcage, and sounding too loud in the eerily quiet room. Suddenly, the arm around him tightened as Chanyeol shifted in his sleep. With his heart being so restless, Jongin resigned to a night of restless sleep with Chanyeol’s soft snores as his lullaby.

 



The next morning, Jongin awoke to the sound of his phone going off a distance away, probably still on the couch from where he left it the previous night. Jongin groaned, burying his face back into his pillow, except that when Jongin turned to do just that, his face was met with Chanyeol’s collarbones. Jongin would jump but he was trapped under a really heavy and still dead to the world Chanyeol. Jongin’s phone continued to blare in the living room, but he felt too comfortable and warm and the next thing, he’s falling back to sleep.

When Jongin next came to, he’s alone on his bed, wrapped up tightly in his cocoon of blankets. Jongin stared at his ceiling, willing his brain to fully wake up. Groaning, Jongin tried to untangle his limbs from the blankets around him when his mind finally caught up and remembered Chanyeol being on his bed the night before. But Jongin’s alone now and he let out another groan. Did he or did he not really dream about sleeping wrapped up in Chanyeol’s arms?

But there’s a sound of cluttering cutleries from outside his room. What greeted Jongin when he stepped inside the kitchen is not Chanyeol cooking them impeccable English breakfast like what people see in the movies. It’s Chanyeol, clad in Jongin’s old clothes, hair a complete ruffled mess sitting on his kitchen counter wolfing down the leftover chicken from the night before. Jongin didn’t just dream of it then, but he’s doomed either way. When Chanyeol looked up from his box of chicken as Jongin stepped into view and smiled lazily at him, Jongin swallowed audibly. Yeah, he’s totally doomed.

 



Jongin was positive that he’s gonna flunk his exams. Even with all the studying and reviewing he did, Jongin still felt that the exams were way too easy. It can never be too easy because then it’s either you’re really smart, or you’re too stupid. And Jongin’s not really smart so he must be stupid and he’s really sure he’s gonna fail.

It doesn’t help that the results are due after a month. A whole month of torture, uncertainty and self loathing.

Jongin just wanted to forget everything, maybe get drunk and dance silly. But Sehun works on Thursdays, and Baekhyun won’t be out until 5. Jongin checked his phone, opening and locking it after a few seconds. Chanyeol still hasn’t replied from when Jongin texted him right after he left the exam room, stating how doomed he was and he’s just about to fly to another country and take up another course not related to anything medical.

He was about to pocket his phone when it finally vibrated, the message making him smile.

 **Chanyeol-hyung:**  
Aww! Cheer up Jonginnie! I’d hug u if I can but em currently 6 ft under towers of unedited papers. Will see u when I can ok?

It was enough for Jongin, sending his hyung a flurry of crying and thumbs up emoticons.

Nothing really changed ever since the sleeping incident as Baekhyun liked to call it but It didn’t help that Baekhyun told the entirety of their friends what happened when Jongin told him, except his story was much more exaggerated and not really unlike those fanfictions Jongin saw him reading one time. Their friends even began their online catcalls until Jongin told them to shut the fuck up because no one popped anyone’s cherry and that they’re as platonic as ever.

Chanyeol was uncharacteristically silent throughout the ruckus, and Jongin thought that he’s uncomfortable with the topic so he let it drop.

For now though, Jongin’s determined to get drunk and wasted so after changing into much comfortable clothes and sending both Sehun and Kyungsoo the address of the bar he’s at (for when I get wasted and I expect you to come and get me), Jongin decided to let go and let the loud pounding of the music melt all his stress away.

Clutching at the cold bottle of beer in front of him, Jongin counts how many bottles he’s had and when he realized that he can’t even remember, he deemed it to be too much and opted to call it a day.

It’s half past two in the morning when Jongin stumbled onto the sidewalk, staring at his phone like a lifeline. He’s aware that he’s more than tipsy, and wobbling dangerously on the deserted sidewalk but alcohol was never enough to cloud Jongin’s judgment and was fairly sure that he’d get back home safely. But Kyungsoo and Sehun weren’t there to take his phone away and turn it off. Jongin becomes a little trigger happy and loved to send drunken messages to his friends and exes.

Jongin found his way back to his apartment safely, onto his bed with his phone still in his hands.



“Hyuunggg.” Jongin whined into the receiver, face resting on the cold marble of his counter.

“What’s so wrong about that though?” Baekhyun replied from the other line, voice husky and cracking because Jongin decided to wake him up at ass o’clock in the morning. “You tell me you love me every fucking day.”

“But it’s Chanyeol! I can’t believe I drunk texted Chanyeol hyung and you didn’t stop me!” Jongin whined irrationally.

There was a muffled irritated groan from the other line and Baekhyun growled at him. “How was I supposed to know!? Go stand in the corner and reflect on your actions you ungrateful brat! Let mommy get some more sleep, I have to wake up at seven!” he huffed and hang up. Jongin actually found himself standing at the corner to reflect on his stupid actions.

Jongin has always told his friends that he loves them, he even drunk texted Minseok once, even Joonmyun even when he’s just across the room, but never Chanyeol. The thing is, Jongin didn’t just text Chanyeol _I lvoe you hyugn_ like he was prone to doing whist drunk. He wrote an entire essay on how Jongin thinks Chanyeol gives great, warm hugs and he wrote an entire prose dedicated to Chanyeol’s deep voice, his plump lips and how Jongin wondered it would taste like, and embarrassingly, how much Jongin’s heart races when he’s near.

Jongin face plants on the unrelenting wall and recalls how Chanyeol replied with, _That’s flattering Jonginnie, but wtf, r u drunk?where ru??_

Just the thought of it made Jongin’s chest ache. Another thing is that everything Jongin said in his texts was all true. That he accidentally confessed to Chanyeol while he was drunk and Chanyeol replied with wtf.

If they became relatively closer after the sleeping incident, Jongin’s sure that Chanyeol would be grossed out by him now. It was such a shame really, because Jongin genuinely liked him. Jongin wasn’t even sure if the guy was into, well, guys, or a bi like Jongin, but there was an instance when Chanyeol indirectly told him that Chanyeol would be courting him if he really wanted to when their hyungs suggested.

And he didn’t want to because he didn’t like Jongin that way but he wanted to be friends and he thought that Jongin was lonely and Jongin just decided to ruin their beautiful friendship with his feelings.

It was really a wtf moment.



But even then, it seemed like nothing much changed in the course of their friendship but something actually did. Chanyeol still sent him a flurry of random nonsense messages any time of the day but considerably lesser, and Jongin still replied when he finally sees his phone.

Chanyeol still visited him a few more times before they’re consumed by both of their works or in Jongin’s case, studies. But every time Jongin thinks he'd sleep over like he always does, he'd get up, mention a thing or two about work then he's out of Jongin's front door with a tiny wave. It seemed to him that Chanyeol just decided to forget Jongin’s drunken confession, well Jongin’s fine with that. But in turn, it felt like Chanyeol was so adamant on keeping them as they were, as friends, drawing a line and continuously emphasizing it completely ignoring Jongin’s feelings.



Jongin’s exam results came out exactly a month after he took it, and Jongin stared forlornly at the space where his name's supposed to be, along with the other passers, on his laptop screen. It wasn’t as if Jongin wasn’t expecting it. He was pretty sure the exams weren’t made to be easy, but that was because Jongin was too distracted, too stupid. Jongin knew that he wasn’t the only one who failed, his senior in the cardiac catheterization laboratory even relayed his story of third time’s the charm with the exams, but he’s now one of the most aspiring Minimally Invasive Procedure specialists in the hospital.

On top of that, Jongin caught the flu and he was sure he must have violated the gods in his previous life because he felt like dying just about now.

Baekhyun called him a few hours after that and he told his hyung the most embarrassing and the downiest moment of his life so far. Initially, Baekhyun called to let him know that they’ll be having their meet-up at one of the bars near Minseok’s apartment because Sehun complained about never going out, but hearing how Jongin sounded like a dying frog, Baekhyun decided to let him rest.

“Are you sure you don’t want me there? I’ll cook you something.” Baekhyun fussed from the other line.

“I’m fine hyung.” Jongin covered the receiver when he had another coughing fit. “Besides I don’t want you to catch whatever bug I’m having right now. Noona left me some soup when she visited yesterday, so I’m good with food. Just.. don’t worry too much okay, future doctor knows what he’s doing.”

“Okay, okay.” Baekhyun laughed from the other side, “Now, future doctor, go back to rest and don’t hesitate to call me when you need anything okay? I love you.”

“Love you too, hyung.” Jongin mumbled, already feeling choked up.

Jongin knew that he tended to be clingy, a crybaby and childish when he’s sick, but he’s an adult now, and Jongin doesn’t want to burden his friends even more. But with the added stress of failing his exams, Jongin just couldn’t help that pressing feeling of being a failure, of being alone, and being hurt all at once.

 **Jonginnie:**  
Hyung, I think I need a hug ☹

Jongin hesitated before pressing the send button, hugging his phone close to his chest and crying his heart out. Finally, the weight of his sickness and tears pulled Jongin under a listless sleep.

When Jongin woke up, it was already late in the afternoon. Orienting himself to his surroundings, Jongin found his phone still on his chest with a few messages from Baekhyun, and one from Chanyeol.

 **Chanyeol-hyung:**  
WHYYY??? I’ll see you later ryt? I’ll give you a big hug! And I want you to meet someone!!!!

Jongin rolled over, burying his face on his pillow before letting a few tears escape his tightly clenched eyes. Jongin really hates being sick.



Baekhyun and Minseok visited him the next day, almost close to noon and that was the only time Jongin got up from his bed aside from taking a leak and drinking lots of water.

Jongin let his hyung pamper him, Minseok serving him a warm soup as he fought not to fall asleep on the bowl in front of him while Baekhyun stripped his bed of the sweat drenched sheets and covered them with new ones.

“Are you sure you don’t want to go to the hospital?” Minseok asked Jongin for the third time and Jongin just shook his head again. “You don’t look too good.”

Baekhyun joined them on the couch once he finished running Jongin’s sheets in the washing machine. “You should have just told me yesterday that you’re like really dead on your feet instead of insisting that it’s just a flu.” Jongin received the half hearted scolding and burrowed closely to Baekhyun’s side when he sat beside him, still not letting go of Minseok’s hand.

Baekhyun felt warm trickles on his neck and he sent wide eyed stares to his boyfriend on Jongin’s other side before pulling away shortly to cup Jongin’s face. “Hey,” Baekhyun whispered, placing a soft kiss on his forehead and noting how burning it was. “Why are you crying? What’s wrong?” But Jongin just shook his head and buried his face back to Baekhyun’s shoulder.

Jongin fell asleep like that, drained and tired and hurting allover and not entirely physical, but he woke up on his bed after a few hours cuddled by Kyungsoo and with Sehun playing with his phone while he sat at the foot of Jongin’s bed.

He felt significantly better, whether it was the rest, or all the crying, or the company of his friends, or the medicine Baekhyun forced him to take before his fever caught him under once again, Jongin was just thankful.

His fever lasted for another few days and Baekhyun was a constant in his side, with Minseok, Sehun, and Kyungsoo popping up every now and then. On the fourth day of his sick leave as Baekhyun liked to call it, when technically, Jongin sans a job at the moment, He decided to finally check his phone. There were tons of messages from their friends, a lot from Joonmyun and Jongdae, even a few from Yixing, and one from Chanyeol.

 

 **Chanyeol-hyung:**  
Get well soon Jonginnie! Baekhyun said you’re feeling better now, thats great! I’ll finally have some free time after this week, I’ll come see u then ok? Don’t miss me too much, I can feel it when u do!

Jongin promptly locked his phone and turned it face down on his side table before wrapping his blanket snugly around his shoulders. Reading Chanyeol’s message made him feel a little better about the other in not visiting him but Jongin knew how busy Chanyeol can be with his work and other things and it would be such a hassle to visit a sick and depressed Jongin.

When Baekhyun found him as he is after a few minutes, his short hyung almost panicked that he’s once more getting worse. But the feeling of dread in Jongin’s bones has got nothing to do with his fever at all.



When Jongin got better enough to shoo Baekhyun out of his apartment and back to his adult responsibilities, Jongin decided to pay the hospital a visit, not as a patient but as a previous colleague. The nurses gushed over him, telling him how handsome he still looked, how he lost weight, asking him when he’s coming back. It was overwhelming, being surrounded by people actually excited to be with him, people who enjoyed his company, work related or not.

“Dr. Kim, it’s nice to see you.” Jongin beamed when his superior welcomed him to his office.

“You as well Dr. Kang.” Sitting on the chair offered to him, Jongin updated the older man on the recent happenings in his life, most especially his most recent failure. “I didn’t think that me wishing for a long vacation landed me a really long one at the cost of my career.” He finished lamely, slouching unprofessionally on his seat.

“There’s always a next time, Dr. Kim.” The elder laughed lightly. “There’s always a first time, sometimes a second time, or third, or many more. I told you third time’s the charm right! The question is, how badly do you want it? Do you just quit after failing your first try, or try harder, try better the next time. Tell me, Dr. Kim, why do you want to become a doctor, aside from the obvious perks that is?” The older doctor winked and Jongin huffed out a laugh.

“At first I wasn’t so sure, Doc. Just that, I thought it was just something that interested me as a child. When I was a kid I used to love fixing things up my parents thought I’d become some sort of an engineer, but when I grew up I liked fixing people up more. I like how the human body works, how resilient our body is. Now though, I like it when I see my patients getting discharged, walking away from the hospital where they arrived wheeled in, or when my patients thank me for doing my job.”

“Those were the perks I was talking about!” Dr. Kang mentioned slyly, making Jongin laugh. “Now, why do you want to be a Cardiologist?”

Jongin thought for a while, before shrugging. “I just thought that neurology is too complicated, and I like dealing with heart matters more. I can’t fix broken hearts but I will be able to repair heart blocks and I’m okay with that.”

“Now, then. Think of that when things seem to pull you down and lets see you back in here after six months. I need a hand in dealing with these fat filled arteries and all that shit.” Dr. Kang exclaimed before leaving Jongin to tend to a patient but not without a light pat on his shoulder.

The truth is, Jongin falls in love in almost everything. He fell in love with the clear sky, fell in love with the rain, fell in love with the clouds, fell in love with the stars. Jongin fell in love with the children, and fell in love with the weak. Jongin fell in love with humanity, and fell in love with the tiny bud of kindness in a rotten person’s heart. That’s why Jongin decided to become a doctor. Because becoming a doctor means giving love to as much people his heart can reach.

Jongin doesn’t always get loved in return, and most of the time Jongin’s fine with that. Sometimes though, Jongin thought that it would be nice if someone, somewhere maybe decided to love him back.

 



After his talk with Dr. Kang, Jongin decided to pay his previous ward a visit. The nurses in the fifth floor were ecstatic, running around to tend to their patients one moment then running back to catch up with him the next. He was even roped into treating the entire floor staff with pizza and ice cream.

Jongin mourned for his bank account and settled on leaching off of Baekhyun and Minseok ‘s kitchen. For now though, Jongin’s decided to buy his favorite coffee from his favorite coffee shop near the hospital. It has been too long since he drank one.

After paying for his order, Jongin decided to stand by the bar as he waited and watched the barista mixing his coffee when he heard and all too familiar laugh. To his surprise, Jongin saw Chanyeol sitting on the table near the condiments area, laughing obnoxiously with someone.

After getting his drink, Jongin padded towards Chanyeol’s table with a soft smile on his face. 

“Jonginnie!” Chanyeol exclaimed when he saw someone approaching and looked up to the smiling face of his closest friend. They haven’t seen each other in weeks.

“Hi, hyung.” Jongin replied, soft smile widening when Chanyeol jumped up to hug him muttering about how much he missed the other and how long it has been since they bonded.

“Anyway, what are you doing here?” Chanyeol asked, after he pulled away, inquiring eyes raking over his features. “That flu really did a number on on huh, you lost a lot of weight.” Chanyeol sounded really upset and it made Jongin smile.

“I just visited the hospital.” Jongin said, pointing to the general direction of where he came from. “Then I decided to visit my favorite coffee shop. Then I saw you.” Then Jongin remembered Chanyeol wasn’t alone when he approached, turning to the other man eyeing then curiously but not unkindly, Jongin smiled sheepishly. “I’m sorry for disturbing you though.”

“Oh!” Chanyeol turned back to their table when he remembered that he indeed was not alone. “I’m sorry Jaehyunnie, this is Jongin, one of my closest friends. The one I was telling you about? This is him!” Then he turned back to Jongin, grabbed his arm and pulled him towards the table. “And Jongin, meet Jaehyun. He’s one of my workmates.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Jongin-ssi. Chanyeol-hyung has told me lots of stories about you.” Jaehyun stood up and offered a hand to Jongin.

Smiling shyly, Jongin took the hand and shook it lightly. “Not all bad I hope? It’s nice to meet you too.”

Turned out that Chanyeol and Jaehyun were on a break and decided to pay the coffee shop a visit instead of eating stale food from their cafeteria. Then Chanyeol broke into a tirade of how stressful their current project is and spits office jokes that Jongin barely understood but Jaehyun seemed to get since he’s laughing uncontrollably when Chanyeol went on a roll.

“I actually need to go.” Jongin mumbled before Chanyeol decided to be carried away and convince Jongin to have lunch with them or visit their office. Jongin felt like a third wheel as it is. “I.. need to get back to the hospital to meet one of my superiors.” Letting the lie settle on his tongue heavily, Jongin mustered his most convincing smile then waved a little before walking out of the café.

 



 **Chanyeol-hyung:**  
So, didya like Jaehyunnie?

 **Jonginnie:**  
Hm, I guess he’s ok? Why does it matter??

 **Chanyeol-hyung:**  
Don’t be like that Jonginnieee! I rly like him! I told u I’d introduce u to someone ryt? Well that’s him. He’s rly cool and chill. And as my bestfriend I rly rly want you to like him for me ok??

Jongin’s phone slips from his hand.



It has been three months since Jongin last saw his friends. He still saw Baekhyun and Minseok because they’re practically family. He still sent Kyungsoo and Sehun a few messages, but Jongin didn’t have the heart to talk to anyone other than them. But it has been too long and they were all becoming really worried for him despite Baekhyun’s insistence that he’s fine. And so he decided to finally reply to one of Joonmyun’s inquiring message if he’ll come to another of their group of friends’ gatherings.

 

Jongin jumped from where he fell asleep on his couch when there’s a loud knock on his door. Joonmyun called him at around noon, excitedly chattering about the meet up Jongin agreed to attend with their friends and this time in a club that hosted live bands or performances. Chanyeol will be playing the guitar for some friends, and possibly will be singing a bit, according to Joonmyun. Jongin frowned at the news, he didn’t hear anything from Chanyeol about joining a band, or playing live in front of people. But Jongin hasn’t really heard anything much from Chanyeol aside from the wayward good mornings and polite goodnights he’s sent even when Jongin stopped replying to him entirely in the previous months of Jongin’s exile.

Stretching his arms, Jongin padded to his front door and opened to door to the frowning face of Kyungsoo. “You totally fell asleep on me.” He pointed an accusing finger at Jongin, reaching up to fix the yougner’s hair. One side was flat against his face from where he leaned his head on the armrest while he slept while the back side of his hair’s all just ruffled and sticking out in all possible directions.

Jongin murmured something about being bored while waiting but he let it go and crouched lower to make it easier for the other to fix his hair.

“Jonginnie,” Kyungsoo inquired softly, and Jongin hummed in reply. “Did you and Chanyeol fight?” Kyungsoo noticed how Jongin tensed under his hands and fought back a sigh.

“No.. Uhm, we didn’t? Not that I know of hyung. Why?” Jongin mumbled, pulling out of Kyungsoo’s reach when he felt the other’s fingers starting to twitch. “Didn’t we all agree to watch his gig tonight? You know I wouldn’t be coming if we were fighting.”

Kyungsoo looked up at him, brows still furrowed worriedly. “Do you really want to go? I mean, you don’t have to force yourself. We can just stay here and watch a movie. I’ll rope Sehunie into bringing us take out and it’ll be just like the old times.”

Feeling something settle in his throat, Jongin shook his head. “I can’t always get away with isolating myself can I? And eventually I’d have to face them, they’re my friends too and I owe them even just this once. Just.. thank you Soo.” Jongin hugged the other, sniffing slightly.

Shaking his head, Kyungsoo just said something about being late and ushered Jongin out of his apartment, suspiciously turning his shiny eyes away from the younger.

 

Jongin and Chanyeol weren’t fighting. One moment, they were best friends, inseparable, the next moment they’re as civil as newly introduced strangers. It was exhausting, terrifying even, for Jongin, because Jongin doesn’t do things such as push and pull. Jongin has been really selective of who he lets inside his carefully built walls. Acquaintances with everyone, friends with a selected few and back then, Chanyeol was really eager, and he really seemed like he wanted to be friends, no, to be closer to him, and Jongin’s mistake once again was that he genuinely believed in him.

Chanyeol seemed like a nice guy though, and Jongin seriously enjoyed being friends with him. Chanyeol still sends him morning greetings and sometimes night greetings. The previous month, Chanyeol sent Jongin one photo of a cute stray cat he saw on the way to the café he frequents at work, and one really random message that said I rly rly want to eat seafood pasta rn. 

Jongin enjoyed Chanyeol’s friendship. Especially the warm bearhugs, the thoughtfulness, how he initiated to take care of Jongin, and not hesitating to be taken care of in return. Jongin thought that Chanyeol’s friendship is so what you see is what you get. He’s been upfront from the first time that he wanted to be friends with Jongin, and maybe this time it’s one of his ways of saying that Jongin has been too close that he’s not really all that comfortable with just the friendship so he’s pulling away before anyone gets too attached. Before anyone gets hurt. In more than once instance, it’s always Jongin who ends up too attached and hurt.

Jongin saw it coming, but no one expected Jongin to take his kindness and friendship into something more, no one expected Jongin to fall, but he did anyway.

Chanyeol’s set was awesome, he played the guitar for some band called NCT and even harmonized with some of their more mellow songs. It’s like seeing Chanyeol in a new light, more comfortable on the stage than his own skin, with a handsome smile permanent on his face.

The set ended with a loud applause from the audience, clearly a crowd favorite and the band was laughing as they followed Chanyeol to their group’s table to give their greeting before sauntering off elsewhere. Aside from one person, and Jongin wouldn’t have noticed him if he wasn’t already looking. If Jongin remembered right, his name’s Jaehyun, Jongin met him once as Chanyeol’s workmate, the one Chanyeol has been crushing on, now he was introduced to the crowd as one of the lead vocalists. He’s currently sitting side to side with Chanyeol across from Jongin, talking and laughing animatedly with Sehun. This time, Chanyeol introduced Jaehyun to everyone, to Jongin as his boyfriend.

It wasn’t the first time that his group of friends is meeting Jaehyun, Jongin thought. And when said person turned to look at Chanyeol with something gleaming in his eyes and got a look that says the same thing in return, Jongin felt spiders crawling down his spine.

Jaehyun, Jongin learned is a few years younger than all of them. He was Chanyeol’s intern for six months the year before and when he returned a year after, he’s the newly hired Editor in Chanyeol’s department and he gushed at how he was so happy to still be working under his Chanyeol sunbae and all that shit.

Shit. Jongin takes a bite on the chicken gingerly placed in front of him, and though there’s a huge weight sitting uncomfortably on his stomach, Jongin decided to chug more beer into his system to drown the feeling out.

Jongin has clearly had more than enough alcohol, if the way he’s sending daggers through his eyes across the table unreservedly is any indication because Jaehyun and Chanyeol have been flirting incessantly in front of him like he’s not there, like no one aside from them is present and it irked Jongin so much. Baekhyun and Minseok tried to limit the younger, but he’s hell bent on getting wasted and it didn’t help that booze just kept on falling on their table.

“For fuck’s sake, Kim Jongin will you please stand straight.” Baekhyun hissed into his ear, and Jongin giggled more. He was feeling really light headed and Baekhyun’s being so funny right now. Jongin liked Baekhyun, he’s funny. So he tried to lock his knees and straighten his posture which was good, but turned out to be a bad idea entirely when Jongin almost brought Baekhyun down with him. Good thing someone stronger than Baekhyun caught him.

“Jonginnie,” Jongin’s head whipped, and to his left there are three Chanyeols and they are all looking at him worriedly.

“Can I have one of the many yous?” Jongin slurred, reaching out to the Chanyeol nearest to him and ended up slapping the air. Then there are three Baekhyun’s to his right, and three Jaehyun’s behind them and fuck it, because if there are three Jaehyuns then they’re going to want all three of Chanyeol again and seriously fuck it because he’s already got someone Jongin wants, and it’s always Jongin left alone in the end.

“Jonginnie, hang on okay, let’s get you home.” All three Chanyeols said, making Jongin’s head dizzy with anger. Because how can Chanyeol not like him?

Jongin pulled away from him abruptly, managing to glare at the taller male while Baekhyun and Minseok scrambled to keep the younger upright. “Don’t fucking touch me.” It came out as a growl, heatedly sent to the clearly stunned Chanyeol. Jongin proceeded to walk away with Baekhyun hot on his side but almost stumbled and Chanyeol instantly reached out but Jongin slapped his hand away.

“I got it.” Minseok took Jongin’s other side, sending worried glances towards Chanyeol. “I got him.”

Jongin crashed with Baekhyun and Minseok that night, more likely because Baekhyun was afraid Jongin would do something stupid keeping the younger’s phone away before he decided to drunken text Chanyeol again with the colorful choice of words he associated on the drive back home when Chanyeol’s name came up.

It was fine really, because Jongin is a quiet drunk, and Baekhyun liked taking care of him. But this time he’s too quiet aside from all the cursing, and he won’t talk. Jongin’s mouth comes loose when drunk and Baekhyun just can’t find an answer to his drunken outburst aside from his occasional Fuck you Jaehyun and Stupid Chanyeol. Baekhyun has an inkling of what happened though and he let it go for now.

Then morning came and when Baekhyun rose to check up on Jongin in the guest room, he was left with the rumpled sheets and an empty guest room.



After the gig, it was like Jongin just disappeared. He was not in his apartment, nor in the hospital. Neither in the dance studio or the café he likes so much and Baekhyun was so close to filing a missing person report when he received a call from one of Jongin’ sisters.

Relief washed out all anxiety creeping on his skin when he found out that Jongin went back to him hometown, and was safe with his family.

Thinking about what happened, Baekhyun was almost a hundred percent sure that it has got something to do with a certain Park Chanyeol. Chanyeol and Baekhyun are friends, but Jongin is Baekhyun’s baby and if he finds out that Chanyeol hurt Jongin then Baekhyun’s sure Chanyeol will fear for his life.



It turned out that Chanyeol doesn’t know where Jongin hostility towards him came from. As far as he’s concerned, they’re okay then suddenly they’re not.

Baekhyun doesn’t lose his shit, because Chanyeol can be really stupid sometimes and Baekhyun understands that, but Minseok doesn’t and he’s shouting at a stunned Chanyeol because “How can you not know?!”



It took Baekhyun four months to finally convince Jongin to talk to Chanyeol and settle things out with a lot of bribery and involved free coffee for a month from his favorite café. four months were enough for Jongin to gather his thoughts, but it surely wasn’t enough to completely move forward so he’s fairly nervous to be facing Chanyeol after his stunt after the gig and his disappearing spell. In the months that he was gone, not even once did Chanyeol contact him, and it was enough wake up call, really.

Especially when Jongin didn’t always stay away. On nights when he felt extremely lonely, Jongin drives back to Chanyeol’s apartment, a safe distance away staring at the lean shadow passing by the windows. Sometimes, Chanyeol stares outside the window, into the star filled nightsky and those are the nights that Jongin yearns. Baecause Chanyeol’s there, just a few meters away but it feels like there’s a huge distance between them.

Sometimes Chanyeol doesn’t even come home. Sometimes Chanyeol’s not alone. Jongin has witnessed more than a few times how Chanyeol kissed Jaehyun with those plump lips that Jongin adores, how CHanyeol hugged Jaehyun with the bearhug that Jongin missed.

Sometimes, Jongin thought about what would happen if Jongin decided to show himself. Of course Chanyeol would still accept him, hug him, even, because he’s Chanyeol, he’d forgive Jongin. He won’t have Chanyeol all to himself, but at least he gets to have Chanyeol even if just a friend.

But Jongin is selfish, and it’s not enough. So he stayed inside the car, watching how someone he dearly loves love someone else.



 

Jongin was just thankful when Baekhyun told him that he won’t leave Jongin along with Chanyeol, appointing himself a mediator and refused to leave the two alone.

When Jongin arrived, Chanyeol’s already there, chewing on his bottom lip while staring blankly at the trees that lined the park. Jongin opted just clear his throat, announcing his arrival before sitting on the farthest side of the bench Chanyeol’s at.

“Now, will you two settle this thing like the responsible adults that you both are?” Baekhyun regarded both of them. And backed away a few steps when both nodded.

It was Chanyeol who spoke first, voice soft and hesitant. “I.. didn’t know what I did wrong for you to suddenly hate me.” He began, already choking up on unshed tears. “One thing, we’re okay then you’re lashing at me the next. Baekhyun said you’ve been on a huge slump lately, and I understand that, everyone does. And so I decided to give you time. Will you tell me what I did wrong, Jongin? Are we okay?” He finished, wiping at the corners of his eyes.

“I think it’s all me.” Jongin managed to get out, voice more confident and firmer than how he’s feeling. “You did nothing wrong.” He said, when all Jongin wanted to say was, how can you not love me? “I was an asshole and I’m sorry. I was angry.. No, I was… hurt. but isn’t it easier to be angry than to tell people you’re hurting?”

 

“That.. did I hurt you?” Chanyeol was rounding on him, question clear in his eyes. “Was it I who turned you into this asshole you’re talking about, Jongin?” Jongin can see the clenched fists. “You do know how this, how this thing about us affected our friends, right? Minseok hyung can’t look at me for a minute without snapping at me, all because you think you’re an asshole?”

“I’m sorry.” I’m not. Jongin steeled himself. I’m hurt, still hurting, and you fucking hurt me and all you’re concerned about is how Minseok hyung clearly hated your guts because of me. Is all Jongin wanted to say but he gulped them down. “The past few months hasn’t been really easy for me too and I know I messed up, but how was it so easy for you to replace me?” Jongin’s voice almost didn’t wobble, but it cracked pathetically in the end. “How was it so easy for you to just drop something when you find something new? How can you do that when you knew how much I love you?”

“What are you talking about Jongin? You were the one who suddenly just got angry and left without a single word. I didn’t replace anyone, and I didn’t replace you. ” Chanyeol’s actively seething now, unshed tears glistening at the corners of his eyes. Hearing just the words he wanted to hear and ignoring Jongin’s feelings, leaving them hanging in the air. “Not everything is about you Jongin, why are being so selfish?”

Yeah, Jongin’s selfish. Jongin can’t do it. Chanyeol has been hell bent on blaming everything on him, but Jongin blamed everything on Chanyeol, and it hurts, how cold he’s being towards Jongin. “Let’s just stop this.” Jongin sighed. “I ruined our friendship and I know it’s my fault. I know now, that not you don’t always get to have the things you wanted but I am selfish and I’m sorry, but I don’t think we’ll be able to put it back together like how it was before.” Jongin stood and Chanyeol followed, wide eyed and still shaking.

“Jongin… Don’t do this. Why does it feel like you’re breaking up with me?” Chanyeol stepped closer, reaching for his hand.

Break up? Jongin laughed at the thought. “We’re not breaking up hyung, we were ever together in the first place. Right now though, you’ve hurt me, you’re hurting me by just being this close and I am selfish and I don’t want to be near you now, not ever.”

“Why? It doesn’t have to end like this right? You know how important you are to me.” Chanyeol sounded pleading, warm hand wrapped around Jongin’s wrist.

With a firm gesture, Jongin pulled his wrist away, Chanyeol’s hand falling limply to his side. “You remind me of something I want but cannot have, and right now, being near you is torture.”

Before Chanyeol can form a reply, Jongin’s already sauntering away, leaving before Jongin decided to take it all back.

“Jongin..” Baekhyun’s voice was soothing, Baekhyun’s voice was home, and it grounded him enough to feel the tears now streaming down his face.

“I know I don’t even stand a chance, and he made it clear the first time that he’s not interested in me, but it still hurts, seeing him so happy with someone else.” Jongin muttered, briskly walking away, knowing Baekhyun’s hot on his heels and listening. “How can even someone like him love someone like me?” Jongin wiped his face harshly.

When they turn the corner, Jongin sees Chanyeol’s back slowly fading away, towards the other side.

Jongin missed him. His warm hugs, his random messages. Jongin missed all of Chanyeol, even if he’s just snoring in Jongin’s room, rummaging in his kitchen. Jongin missed the way they were but there’s no going back. Jongin would rather miss him than let unconsciously hurt him to the paint where his heart becomes beyond repair. It’s disconcerting, how someone can easily break down all the walls you’ve put around your heart just because they can, and take a look at all of you and leave because they fucking can, and in the end you can’t put the walls back up because they took all the broken pieces.

Jongin thought of Chanyeol, though of his warm hugs, his warm hands, his warm presence; it’s not enough to melt the ice that turned Jongin’s heart so cold.

**Author's Note:**

> if you think this fic is familiar and that maybe you've read it somewhere, then that is because you have kkk. this is a repost from the Puppies in Love 2016 fest. i may or may not be addicted to Halsey's Colors back then. if i was, nobody has to know right??? and I am weird so I've written a lot of post-love or unrequited or plain unhappy ending fics so please pardon me. if you've reached this note then you're such an angel for putting up with my shit ㅠㅠ


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